6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
