Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
