y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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