I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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