You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
