Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
