Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
