It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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