As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
