hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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