I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
50% drunk capacity currently
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
