Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
