I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
