i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
