Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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