make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
