Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
