i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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