Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
