why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
