he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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