he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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