If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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