I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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