while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
