textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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