You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
