So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
