now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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