when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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