I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
