i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
