i would punch a child for taco bell
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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