im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
