His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
