Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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