I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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