I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
