I didn't shave. On purpose
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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