He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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