o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
