I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
