I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
