this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Im part way to drunk.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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