Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
