i was born a porn star she said
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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