All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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