So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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