I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sobbing to NWA
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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