1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
