I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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