I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
